Swade’s Big Facebook Fast

Swade MoyersMany of you have wondered where I’ve been and why I’ve posted so little over the past month. The following will explain. On March 2, 2013, my cousin Swade Moyers entered the following status update on Facebook. “I’m taking a break form Facebook! See y’all in a month!” Yes, he said “form.” I felt obliged to keep him up to date during his absence. The following is a mostly day-by-day account of my replies to him on Facebook. I think the day count got a little messed up toward the end, but that’s not the important part. Enjoy…

Day One:

Swade has left Facebook. I think it’s a Facebook fast. I hereby commit to chronicle his absence on a mostly daily basis. On this, the first day of Swade’s Facebook fast, hereafter referred to as the big FF, Obama’s sequester has gone into effect. Facebook is buzzing with stupid graphics talking about how this is or isn’t a fiscal apocalypse. When Swade returns in a month, we will know one way or the other.

Day Four:

I must admit that I forgot days 2 and 3. I guess I need to take a break from Facebook as well because I seem to be way too busy to do any comments. You haven’t missed much, except for the crazy graphics going around saying name a city that doesn’t have an E in it, or name a color without a Q in it. Everyone makes a comment about how stupid it is. Before you know it, it has several thousand comments. Then they sell the page to some company who will use your name in their advertisements because you commented on their page, even though it wasn’t their page when you did it. Its the new golf rush on Facebook. Sell your comments and capitalize on everyone’s stupidity. Enough for today. Enjoy your big FF.

Enough for today except that my autocorrect changed the word gold to the word golf. FOUR!

Day Five:

A major snowstorm is hitting DC. The news is going nuts reporting the storm. But when it hits here with I-27 closed and I-40 closed from Albuquerque to OKC, we only get a passing comment on the national news. In other news, the stock market is pushing an all time high. Probably has something to do with the death of Hugo Chavez yesterday. All in all, the day five post is way too serious. Day six will be better.

Day Six:

Since yesterday was so heavy, today’s bigFF post is a touch lighter. 6 knock knock jokes for day 6.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cash who?
No thanks, but I would like a peanut instead!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Madam who?
Madam foot got caught in the door!

Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Me who?
No, seriously, it’s just me. I am telling a knock knock joke.

And finally #6
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup – You have cancer.

Day Nine:

It’s Sunday and it’s a good day for a Big FF. Lots of wind today. Either that or too much Mexican food. No wait, this wind carried dirt. So definitely not the Mexican food.

Day Ten:

It’s the first day of Spring Break. Of course, Swade doesn’t know that, ’cause he’s missing Spring Break on his BigFF. Everyone knows you have to be on Facebook to really appreciate Spring Break. All those “other people” are out there doing Spring Breaky kind of things. But WE are all here celebrating Spring Break on Facebook by spending endless hours scrolling down the screen looking at puppies and barking cats and goats singing Taylor Swift songs and boot giveaways and Duck Dynasty wisdom and Sweetwater updates and daylight saving time jokes and miracle diets and stoopid Facebook security statements and Sequestering and those someecards with old pictures that I hate and Angry cat and a whole lot more. Now that’s living. Whoobaby.

Day Eleven:

I moved all our garden beds into the dog run. And locked the dogs out of the dog run. But now, the old location of the 3 biggest beds look like newly dug graves. We’re considering putting up headstones just for the fun of it.

Day Twelve even though it’s past midnight which actually makes it Day Thirteen:

We got a new Pope today. He’s an Argentine. And a Jesuit. Interesting combination. They say that’s never happened before. I wonder if he plays soccer? He’s from Argentina, and everyone there plays soccer. But they call it football. So now we have a football playing Latin American Jesuit Pope. I wonder who came in 2nd?

Day Fourteen:

I met some relatives (Mom’s side) at Orlando’s tonight. I had the Manicotti. I was so cheezy I could hardly finish it. Actually, I didn’t. I feel like my blood veins are running at about 30%. I should’ve just injected the cheese into my arm. That would’ve been faster.

Day Fifteen:

I found out today ON FACEBOOK that this is James Madison’s 262nd birthday. Does Swade know that? I highly doubt it since he is on his Big FF. Swade, you are missing so much information it is incredible. I feel for you bro. But we are halfway through this thing. Just a couple more weeks and you will be reading all this amazing information that you’ve been missing out on. Imagine it! 262 years!

Day Seventeen:

I went to the Bon Jovi concert and the service from AT&T was so bad I could not even get on Facebook. Or Twitter. It was like my own little personal BigFF. I’m with you Swade. Or at least I was for 3 hours.

Day Eighteen:

It’s a new day and I’ve had an epiphany. I realized that every morning at breakfast I check my Facebook page. Every day. It’s like I wake up from a good night’s sleep not only hungry for food but feeling the need to check my Facebook stream. So in honor of Swade’s BigFF, I hereby rename breakfast to breakfacefast. Sweet.

Day Twenty:

I did not post yesterday because 19 is an unlucky number. As is 23, 67, 143 and 2,693. Know where I learned that? You got it. Facebook. Did you know that Facebook spelled backward sounds like Kubacev, who is a striker for Romania. Dmitry Kubacev. He plays for Antey. And he does NOT wear the number 19, 23, 67, 143 or 2,693. I’m just trying to catch you up so you don’t miss anything whilst on your BigFF.

Day Twenty One:

Poetry day. This is some high-class stuff too.

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don’t believe this story is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

As I was walking by
A bird dropped whitewash in my eye
I did not laugh, I did not cry
I just thanked God
That cows don’t fly.

Day Twenty Three:

I didn’t post anything yesterday since I actually saw you in your physical self personhood. I could see the results of your BigFF. You look much thinner and somewhat gaunt. I believe your time away may be having a detrimental effect on your physical well being. An intervention may be required. Someone may have to come over and forceFace you. I would hate for you to dry up and blow away. In other news, you looked good after your Color Run. Your teeth were still slightly blue, but as I think about it, that may also have been a result of your BigFF. My concern level is rising to Defcon 3.

Day Twenty Three:

Today’s post is an experiment. I’m using the dictation thingy on my tablet. And I’m going to try and let it translate from the TV announcer. United States vs Mexico in the World Cup qualifying game is on right now. The following transcript is unedited as Android hears it: he’s easily coming of his best performance for the US in the past 6 months we remind you that the last corner kick to US had guns all is well on your posting them she will follow. There goes the set piece again Tony of white shirts in there. Not with deliveries like that they won’t. You cannot miss opportunities like that with your playing at the study OS take a. Just like to Honduras game. Mexico gets upset pieces and opportunities. Goes out of plague is a chance to update you on the other games happening tonight. Costa Rica Marco Emmanuel with a gold to the head of Honduras. Panama leaving Honduras buy a goal to Neil. Panama leaving the group early on in this is their first away game.

Dustin Glenn (special entry):

Seeing Gary Moyers has been what appears some what busy, I thought I would help out. Day 25: Swade Moyers is all over Facebook. He’s been tagged in several post wearing what appears to be running clothes. His wife and best friend have kept his spirit alive while taking a break. Gary has done such a great job it really is hard to match his intensity or stick my feet in his size 20 shoes. I wish Swade knew he participated in the color run, but won’t until his return. Oh, and good game on day 23. It is always nice to see Panama leaving Honduras and early buy a goal to Neil. Thanks Gary for a month worth of laughter and android for play by play.

Day Twenty Six:

Thank you Dustin for that update. And now, for some culture. The 26th day of Swade BigFF needs to include some refinement. Some modern day poetry. It’s time to turn to that present-day sage, Jack Handy…

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, ‘Go ahead, do whatever you want, it’s ok by me.’

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula. Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, ‘Think again, batman.’

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. “Uh-oh,” he thought. “This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.”

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what *really* throws you into a panic.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

Day Twenty Eight:

I sit here at the Hilton Anatole in Dallas writing today’s post. I see that someone tagged you as being at Chuy’s in Lubbock. You are still active on Facebook even if you are doing a BigFF. I would be careful eating at Chuy’s. I ate there the other day and reeked of garlic for 2 days. Great place to eat, but it sticks with you for a while.

Day Twenty Nine:

odayTay’s ostpay illway ebay ittenwray inay igPay atinLay. isThay ouldshay ovidepray ouyay aay icenay ainbray easertay. Ifay ouyay eadray isthay outay oudlay otay ouryay ildrenchay, eythay illway inkthay ouyay areay azycray. Ofay oursecay, eway alreadyay owknay isthay otay ebay ethay asecay. eWay owknay ouyay areay ertifiablecay. utBay, ifay ouyay adhay otnay onegay onay ouryay igFFbay, ouyay ouldway otnay avehay eenbay ableay otay exerciseay ouryay nidmay. Osay, erethay ouyay ogay. eeSay ouyay oonsay.

Day Twenty Nine B :

As I was typing my last message in Pig Latin, I saw that Swade was ON FACEBOOK and liking my messages. Welcome back from your BigFF. Facebook has missed you and so have we.

It is finished.

Except to say, when someone says “it is finished,” do they actually mean “this is over – were done” or do they mean that whatever they were referring to was made in Finland? That’s always confused me.


  1. Cathreeno says

    I can’t believe that no one has commented on your persistence and ingenuity to comment on one FB post for an entire month. You’re either exceptionally loyal, or you need a doctor. I’m not sure which.

    Oh, and I hope “size 20 shoes” is a gross exaggeration!

    • garymoyers says

      Size 20 shoes? Did I say that? I have no recollection and cannot confirm or deny that statement.

Post Your Thoughts... Tell Me If I'm Out in Left Field.